Blog Post #1: Have you ever felt embarrassed by the things that you used to like?

“Ew, what is that?”

I looked over at my friend who was gagging at my lunch, and was met with not one but many pairs of judging eyes. Even after explaining what fried anchovies were, people around me kept making comments about the smell and how gross it was. Why were people laughing and gagging? For the first time, I felt ashamed about my own food, about my own culture. I awkwardly laughed along on the outside, embarrassed. Realistically though, I wanted to cry.

I came home that afternoon and told my mom that I no longer wanted fried anchovies in my lunch. Looking back on it now, it must’ve been upsetting to hear that as a mother who put a great amount of effort into packing her own children's lunches every single weekday, all while trying to get her PhD. She had little time to spend with my younger brother and I, and was usually always working. Of course, as an ignorant kid, I didn’t realize how it could have hurt her. 

Eventually I had to give her an explanation as to why I didn’t want her to pack one of my favorite side dishes for lunch. Instead of getting upset at me, she simply told me she wouldn’t pack it if I didn’t want it, though she added that I should put a little more confidence and pride into what I was eating. Easier said than done, of course. The same thing happened when I had kimchi as part of my lunch. Kids gagging, asking what the smell was, making disgusted faces at the fermented cabbage and radish--I (gradually) learned to ignore it after so many repeating experiences. I no longer wanted to leave my lunch untouched until I got home, I no longer wanted to hide it or make excuses to my mom.

I can remember the first time I finally didn’t feel embarrassed at all: I had brought the same fried anchovies that people found so repulsive, and after settling down and opening my lunch to reveal the crispy fish, someone jokingly asked me if they could try one. Instead of saying something like “oh, you probably wouldn’t like it..”, I said “okay sure. Try it” with a very serious expression--I hope it came off that way, though I laugh when I think about what I must’ve looked like. The person looked taken aback, caught off guard. They supposedly changed their mind and told me they didn’t want to try the anchovies anymore. Gaining some confidence, I allowed myself to be a bit arrogant and thought to myself, “that’s what I thought”. Yes, quite cringey but it made me feel better in the moment. I can’t recall a time since then where I’ve been embarrassed about the food I like.

However, I still carry the regret and guilt for ever even saying a peep about what my mom packed me for lunch. In some sense though, that drives me to show more gratitude and love towards my mom regularly. I want her to always be aware that I am beyond grateful for her time and effort to make (the tastiest) meals for my brother and I, regardless of how busy or tired she may be. I learned to appreciate and be proud of the food and culture I’ve always liked, but most of all, I learned to appreciate and show my gratitude towards the person making all of that delicious food.

 

note: this is a very bad draft but hopefully you made it through :")